A Glimps of Sobriety

This is a Re-imagining of a poem i did a while ago I titled "intoxicated sobriety" i wanted to add to it a bit to fit the spoken word style i am trying to develop. i hope you enjoy, and i will have an audio upload as soon as my hardware limitations will allow.

As i Sober up Pain and torment become my addiction

its as if when my skin tears and breaks my intoxication overrides all inhibition

i cannot run from this darkness nor can i hide

this self destructive demon has become a friend of mine

the blood from my thighs tells me its alright

and though the pain filled tears i am given sight

though the valley of temptation i walk though each day

Praying for these Nagging urges to go away

So when its too much i let my Scars Speak for me

Because they are the only thing that can visually

And hypothetically

Show the world how critically

My Thoughts Ware on me

So i may Put my mind at ease

The world has given up, yet the blind man sees

However i still don’t feel like I’ll ever find peace

Because the Demons lay dormant in my mind where they reside

And in due time

My body will turn into a cage for the internal rage that festers inside

I cry for a guide

Yet no one replied

So within my mind is where i hide

Hoping to be preserved as happy from the outside

That’s why i feel the need to confide

That in reality i’m like Jekyll and Hyde

i fear it has gotten the best of me

The voices Raise and begin to scream

into my ear, just like a symphony

for when i snap it’s a catastrophe  

rage distorting reality

yet when i come down for a glimpse of sobriety

i’m stuck in a past

as if memories are my cast

to see how much torment i can endure

see how long i can last

in this moment of sobriety

do i love you or hate you?

I struggle to decide

I struggle with the choice i made

Like my anxiety and instability begin to collide

But don’t worry

Enough pills and anyone can fly

I relapse into this detrimental detainment

That tends to make me suicidal

and start to hate shit

i lay here in denial

and try to learn patience

even though the place you once held in my heart remains vacant

these are my thoughts they are original

even if you can relate even if its typical

even if sometimes i may not speak literal

these words are my thoughts set to ink

to chronicle all the things i think

in my brief glimpse of sobriety

A final thought

A final thought

You were the spark in my day
The bounce in my step
The one that would have stayed
You knew where my heart was kept
You saw the person inside
Past all of the dark
You knew all the places i would hide
You were the inspiration to my art
You’re voice was my melody
And you’re touch was my addiction
You meant the entire world to me
I guess now this is all one big contradiction?
Because you threw it all away
When you Took the present over the past
I wanted to stay
I wanted to believe we would last
But i saw a side of you i haven’t before
I guess i wanted more
More then a maybe every time we spoke
More then those empty promises that now seem like a joke
I wanted commitment
You wanted you’re next high
You had you’re new life and i didn’t fit in it
Do you blame me for cutting ties?
When every time you came back you came with a vengeance?
And a little bit of spite asking me to mend it?
Im sorry i couldn’t wait anymore
Because you and i together turned toxic
We forgot what we were fighting for
And with each fight we slowly lost it
Those sparks turned to resentments
And that bounce to anger
I had to look past emotional investments
And look at the bigger picture
I didn’t leave because i fell out of love
Or because i turned to hate
I left because i had enough
Of finding out everything was fake
So im sorry if i hurt you
Im sorry if it seemed crewel
Im sorry you may never see this
Im sorry that its true
I’m not saying i was perfect
None of us are
I’m not saying you aren’t worth it
Because to me your still a star
Lost in the night
Searching for direction
Begging for sight
For a meaningful connection
I’ll never forget the person we we’re when we were together
Something like that I’ll always remember
Goodbye for now or forever
That’s not on me to decide
Life is like a river
Sometimes You have to follow the tide

So I wish you luck with all the love you make
And with all the people you meet
I hope you trust in fate
I know for you that’s no easy feat

Sky

Forever and always may the moonlight guide you

Thoughts

I’m lost. My mind stuck in a past that no longer belongs too me. I have lost any sense of clarity in my life. As if I’m stuck speeding down winding cracked roads in the rain. I no longer know who i am. I’ve lost site of my strengths and weaknesses, I’ve lost my resolve. I wake up each day wishing i had been taken away by deaths sweet melody as i slept. As if death is the only true solution.

Most days i live in complete apathy towards my own life instead choosing to focus on saving those around me. I cannot let those i care about suffer when i know in my gut i can help ease their burden. It only works for a little while. Then once they have taken all they can, they move on. I’ve made peace with that reality, however does that mean i am destined to be perpetually alone? If so does that make it my choice? Does my apathy blind me?

I no longer know how long i have left. Each day is a constant war to remain. I am left trapped in my head, my self hatred. looking for one reason to wake up. I can see none. I no longer know what it’s like to love or be loved. I cannot live in a world where i feel completly hollowed of all self respect. The only reason i stay is because I’m too afraid of the lonelness that proceeds death.

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