I am trapped in this mental isolation. Plagued by suicidal thoughts. I no loger know how to express to those close to me what i feel. Instead i develop and rehers this illusion of positivity. So that in my darkest moments i can surcum to internal numbness. I want only to stop being, yet at the same time i want to exist solely with her. Even if the thoughts of our past leave whealts across my now defective heart. I feel at the least, alive. I remain an addict to her presences. The twisted part is, i know i will never aspire for sobriety.

Thoughts

Though all the heartache and pain there is only one person i want by my side. I know all reason and logic says to leàve it behind and try to move forward, but i know that even after everything she is who i am meant to be with. I wish i could just tell her everything can be alright again, i want so badly to go back to that magical night we met and start all over. I’d give my entire life just for the chance to be with her. She is still and will always be my perfection. Nobody else could possibly surpass her in beauty. I wish i could tell her how badly i miss her. I wish i could make up for the things I’ve done because i have forgiven everything she has done. I just want to find zen in my life once more.

I am over encumbered by my anger. I have this impulsive urge to rip her fucking heart out, yet i know in realty that just is not who i am. In these brief moments of fantasy i scare myself.

A Glimps of Sobriety

This is a Re-imagining of a poem i did a while ago I titled "intoxicated sobriety" i wanted to add to it a bit to fit the spoken word style i am trying to develop. i hope you enjoy, and i will have an audio upload as soon as my hardware limitations will allow.

As i Sober up Pain and torment become my addiction

its as if when my skin tears and breaks my intoxication overrides all inhibition

i cannot run from this darkness nor can i hide

this self destructive demon has become a friend of mine

the blood from my thighs tells me its alright

and though the pain filled tears i am given sight

though the valley of temptation i walk though each day

Praying for these Nagging urges to go away

So when its too much i let my Scars Speak for me

Because they are the only thing that can visually

And hypothetically

Show the world how critically

My Thoughts Ware on me

So i may Put my mind at ease

The world has given up, yet the blind man sees

However i still don’t feel like I’ll ever find peace

Because the Demons lay dormant in my mind where they reside

And in due time

My body will turn into a cage for the internal rage that festers inside

I cry for a guide

Yet no one replied

So within my mind is where i hide

Hoping to be preserved as happy from the outside

That’s why i feel the need to confide

That in reality i’m like Jekyll and Hyde

i fear it has gotten the best of me

The voices Raise and begin to scream

into my ear, just like a symphony

for when i snap it’s a catastrophe  

rage distorting reality

yet when i come down for a glimpse of sobriety

i’m stuck in a past

as if memories are my cast

to see how much torment i can endure

see how long i can last

in this moment of sobriety

do i love you or hate you?

I struggle to decide

I struggle with the choice i made

Like my anxiety and instability begin to collide

But don’t worry

Enough pills and anyone can fly

I relapse into this detrimental detainment

That tends to make me suicidal

and start to hate shit

i lay here in denial

and try to learn patience

even though the place you once held in my heart remains vacant

these are my thoughts they are original

even if you can relate even if its typical

even if sometimes i may not speak literal

these words are my thoughts set to ink

to chronicle all the things i think

in my brief glimpse of sobriety

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